On being one year… or one year older
August brings three birthdays to my mind, Layla who turns 1 on the 20th, my grandmother who celebrates her birthday on the 24th, and me who turns 31 in less then 24 hours.
With the arrival of Layla’s first birthday comes reflection upon the past year and how quickly it has gone. This time last year as we were eagerly awaiting Ashley’s labor and Layla’s arrival and I felt big as a house while we awaiting Gwyneth’s arrival 2 1/2 months later. This time last year, we were celebrating with friends and family over me turning 30! This time last year, I only thought about the fact that life is good.
As Layla turns a year and I turn 31, it seems that I’m starting to think about life in general which I already know is good… but just thinking about where life is leading me. I’m sure that this doesn’t have to do entirely with turning 31; however, I do think that it has to do with Layla turning 1, Gwyneth soon to be 1, and being a mom. I find myself wondering if I have chosen the right career and career path. I often daydream about what it would be like to be a vet since I love animals so much, or a midwife since I feel that bringing life into this world is such a beautiful thing, or being what I would really like be…a professor of accounting. I wonder if anything is possible other than what I’m doing right now, surviving in the corporate world, working a lot (not only when I’m at work but reflecting upon work when I’m home having family time), and caring for my family.
The family part is great; although I wish so badly that Brian would get a chance to prove himself teaching. I ache with his frustration and feel badly for him giving up on teaching to just find a job in general. I sometimes feel responsible for him not having a teaching job since I took a job in Raleigh when he would have had a job after student teaching in Charlotte. That part of life right now just does not seem fair.
The career part for me is frustrating. One day I am up and one day I am down. I think a lot of these feelings have to do with being a new mom and wondering if I’m doing the right thing in my career. When I’m working, I wish I were home with Gwyn and when I’m home I keep thinking that I should have stayed longer at work. I find myself wishing for more hours in the day. I get to spend about an hour, maybe, with Gwyn in the mornings, then 2 hours if I’m really lucky in the evenings, then maybe 3 or so hours with Brian if I don’t bring work home. I find myself wondering if I am neglecting all relationships in one way or another – work, Gwyneth, Brian, family, friends, animals, etc. I guess this is just part of juggling motherhood with career with family with friends and so on.
So on the event of Layla turning one year old, here is the birthday girl herself…
As for me turning 31, I’ll spare you a picture… although I am feeling somewhat good lately which leads me to my next train of thought.
On gaining and losing weight
Gaining weight is REALLY easy…losing weight is REALLY hard. However, I have to admit that I have far more will power than I initial thought, but that will power is not as good the more comfortable I get with my body.
Before Gwyneth was even a thought in our imaginations and shortly after we moved into the house in Charlotte, I started gaining weight. At first, it was just creeping up ever so slightly and I thought that it didn’t matter because I was consistently running so at least I was active. Then my back got hurt and I stopped running and I kept gaining weight. In retrospect, it wasn’t all that out of control because from the time we got married to the high point before getting pregnant, I had only gained about 17 pounds but I was nearing that “oh my gosh, I really have to make a change” number on the scale.
Then one day I got that positive pregnancy test so all thoughts of weight control went out the door, to an extent. I only gained 33 pounds during my pregnancy and I often wonder how much was true weight gain over water weight since I pretty much swelled like a blimp the entire pregnancy. Then I lost it all pretty quickly after Gwyn was born and kept at pre-pregnancy weight through nursing.
The day of reckoning came when I quit nursing and the dozen cookies I would eat in a relatively short period of time started to catch up with me and I was suddenly 7 pounds heavier in a very short period of time. I think the beer, pizza, and cookies were starting to have an impact… well, duh – should have realized that earlier.
So on the Weight Watcher’s Plan I went. Most of you know that I’m an extremely picky eater and I’ve managed to do well on this plan that allows me to eat anything but I’m held accountable for it. I’m aiming to be down a total of 18 pounds from where I began which is 13 pounds less then I was pre-pregnancy. It is also somewhere in between when I graduated high school and the weight I was when we got married. I actually weighed less when we got married then I did in high school. I’m thinking it had something to do with the massive amount of kick boxing and running I was doing.
So my goal is only 4.5 pounds away now and once I get my back healthy again (start acupuncture soon), I plan to start running again. I want to make sure that I’m a good role model for Gwyneth in all aspects of life.
On balancing my life’s requirements
My animals depend on me and I feel like I’ve let the dogs down in a way as we are quite as active as we once use to be but I’m working on changing that. Now that Gwyn is getting older, she is easier to take out and about and I don’t worry about her quite as much…and she doesn’t fuss all that much either which helps.
So today was our first test of how well I can get out with Keegan, Tess, and Gwyn. I would love to start taking them all for morning walks every weekends at a nearby park.
So yesterday morning we got ready and headed out to Food Lion on foot for a Sunday paper. It is about a mile walk round trip but it is also for a short period on a busy road and through a Kmart/Food Lion/Ace Hardware parking lot.
Well, everyone did wonderfully. It was also very sweet because on the walk back, Gwyn would grab Tess’ leash from her stroller and “walk” her. Tess usually pulls really bad (well… she doesn’t drag me so maybe not as bad as some but more then I would like). While Gwyn was “walking” her, she was a perfect lady and walked nicely. It was really cute and I wish I had my camera to take a picture.
Week past and week ahead
This past week, Gwyn has started to eat more foods… cheese, graham crackers, organic cheese crackers, peas, and we have a lot more new things to try this week. Also, we truly have a tooth. I can’t see it but I can feel it. Part of the reason I can’t see it is because she won’t open up and let me see it. But I really do feel it!!!!
This coming week, I’m taking Friday off of work because Celena and Paul are coming to visit. Celena has a class on Thursday and Paul on Friday so they are arriving on Wednesday night and leaving Saturday afternoon. This Saturday is also Cary Lazy Daze festival so we will have some entertainment during the day.
I hope everyone has a wonderful week… until next week, here is a picture of Gwyn to tide you over.
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